Heathens of the Plains

Fourth Circle of Hell (Greed)

I’m going to stay at this level for the weekend. They have a 5-star hotel set up at this circle of hell. A freaking palace. It’s crazy. For the tourists, it’s nice. For the residents, they live outside the hotel in squalor.

Then there were a bunch of guys in the alley pushing rocks around. Apparently it was some sort of punishment at one point, but now they are just bored.

I don’t know what that is, but the restaurant in the hotel is decked out with gourmet everything. Holy shit, chocolate covered bacon!

Third Circle of Hell (Gluttony)

Well, it appears that Golden Corral ain’t got nothing on the buffet in hell. I mean, they have EVERYTHING at this level. Crab legs, shrimp, sushi, burritos, bacon, rabbit, ostrich, llama, human… human?

Apparently though, once you take anything from the table it turns to some weird grey slushy stuff that is basically inedible. So the buffet is just for show, some complex torture for the gluttons. Makes sense.

Except for the salads. The salads at this circle of hell were absolutely lovely.

Second Circle of Hell (Lust)

Oh man, I really want a sandwich right now. Suddenly, I’m really fucking hungry and really want a sandwich. Whoa, Helen of Troy is here. Hey Helen! You got a sandwich?

No reason to be a bitch about it. It’s not like you can leave hell. May as well embrace it. The floating voice in the lab coat tells me this level of hell also contains Cleopatra, but in cake form.

That’s not weird at all.

First Circle of Hell (Limbo)

Welcome to Limbo! That’s what the sign over the door says. After reading through all the Highlights magazines in the vestibule, finally heard my name called. Apparently insurance does cover visits to hell. I don’t have insurance. Oddly enough, this is what Limbo looks like:

Honestly, I could hang here, but the voice in the lab coat says that this is only the first stop on the tour of hell. They don’t get many visitors and want to show me everything. We did get a snack though.

No seriously, it’s a floating lab coat with a very pleasant female voice. I wasn’t kidding.

Vestibule of Hell

Yesterday I was in Turkmenistan, today I am in Hell’s waiting room. That’s what a vestibule is right? There are a bunch of old Highlights magazines, in varied states of disrepair.

There is a long inscription on the wall, but the only words that are legible are “Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate”. Whatever the hell that means. Whoops. Can you say “hell” in hell? There are a bunch of do-nothings just standing around. Let’s call them the “Uncommitted”. Or, hipsters.

Oh good. They brought PBR with them. I suppose I should just take a number and wait right?

Gate to Hell, Derweze, Turkmenistan

Found the ladder down to hell. The tourists were all busy taking pictures, but I found the ladder. I might be hallucinating it, but it seems real. I’m going to camp out here for the weekend, see if anything comes up, then I’m going down there.

I’m not going to pretend I know what is down there, but how can one pass up a chance to walk into hell? Of course, I’ll probably meet some evil things, like evil unicorns, and might not make it back out.

For now though, I’m just gonna wait and see. I’d rather get invited down to hell than just wander in, know what I mean?

Derweze, Turkmenistan

I’m not going to pretend that taking a 2,792 kilometer detour is viable when traveling around the world on an unlimited budget… oh wait. Yes it is. Either way, it was suggested I visit Derweze and check this shit out:

That’s the famous door to hell. I mean, may as well visit since I’m in the general region right? So I sat near the edge and waited for Satan to come out, or something. I didn’t see any demons, but a few Jesus freaks came up to me and asked me if I had found their god. I told them I was a demon and just came out of the hole. They sprayed me with water. I thought about tossing one of them in.

The hole has been burning for like 35 years, was caused by an oil rig explosion. That person standing on the edge brought some marshmallows. No one had any sticks long enough though.

Monuments, Volgograd, Russia

Volgrograd has a lot of monuments to things. There are like fifty Lenin statues. Well, more like two or three. This is the monument of M. Panikacha. Apparently he threw himself on a grenade or something.

Then there is this one, dedicated some sailors who defended an elevator against the stinking Nazi’s:

My favorite is the monument to the civil population:

This monument celebrates the 50th anniversary of the victory over those Nazi bastards and is dedicated to the people who fell during the bombing in August 1942. There are a ton more monuments in this town, which is pretty awesome if you like history.

Volgograd, Russia

I found a boat before I found a car, so I zipped down the Volga River to Volgograd. The river looks like this:

This is a pretty awesome city. It was built as a fortress along the river and is the longest city in Russia. They have this massive statue of a chick with a sword. You can see all the little people next to it.

Well, those are normal size people, not little people. Just in perspective they are little. Whatever.

Samara, Russia

So I didn’t spend the weekend in Astana as planned. As quickly as I got there, I got talked into going to a rave. Which was on a cargo plane. Which when I walked off, was in Russia again. Specifically, in Samara.

It’s very clean here and there are neat buildings and real restaurants that don’t just serve potatoes and boiling water. So I guess the plane rave was worth it. Ooh, stone elephants!

Thankfully I have unlimited resources in my magical backpack, because I need to rent a car again. I keep losing them.